Hope springs eternal

As we prepare for 6-10" of snow on the homefront this evening, the current developments down under bring a warm smile to our faces. Things are looking up for the England bowlers. Click here to learn more.

29 November -- While listening to a seminar presentation

This is an outrage!

As if the ICC hasn't already done enough to ruin the world's greatest game, now comes this tragic announcement. Interested in the most recent attack on the game? Click here

An Opening For a Monkey?

"I'm a professional musician who plays the trumpet for a living, not some drunk trying to play the Last Post on a didgeridoo."

Barmy Army trumpeter Bill Cooper after being evicted from the Gabba. Brisbane police also threatened to arrest him for possession of a trumpet

From Cricinfo Quote...Unquote

17:25 US ET 27 November

The real reason FRONK isn't posting

The truth must be known. The real reason we haven't heard from my northern friend from the south of England is that he can't risk any discussion around the fate of a certain Canadian trophy.

Enquiring minds can vist this link for details.

Brisbane, Aftermath

Monkey's Trumpet Creates Barmy Brass Storm

It's the most talked about brass instrument since Satchmo's and now even very high-up people are talking about Monkey Bill's trumpet... "The Barmy Army are ticket-paying, high-yield tourists, and should be allowed to sit together and should be given their trumpet back for subsequent tests" - Tourism Australia chairman Tim Fischer, a former deputy prime minister of Australia!

How funny is that. Go on Bill lampoon him with a quick burst!

Brisbane, Aftermath

The No Danger of that Department

"We can't sit around thinking too much. " - F.F.F.

From Cricinfo Quote...Unquote

Brisbane, Day 5

That's All Folks!

Oh well, that's it... Harmison needs to get his poo together by Friday. That's final.

What's wrong with the man? Surely every school boy knows you brush your ear with your elbow and it goes where you want it to! Hey who needs Dennis Lillee or these fancy virtual-CGI-3D-motion-captur-y-spot-the-simple-problem machines. They just need Big Al, hey and I'm up near Loughborough too at Christmas, perhaps I'll drop in and re-program their machine to always output "brush your ear with your elbow" (in a Stephen Hawkins voice).

I saved Readie's career (for a bit when he did what I told him to) so perhaps I should get on the plane and go save the Harminator. There's a role for me in the England set up yet.

Brisbane, Day 5

Is it a chicken? Is it a snack manufacturer? No it's a wristy South African exile... Come on KP you can save us...

Oh maybe not. I was optimistic 5 minutes ago. Now I find myself relying not only on a busted flush of a side, but 2 players who I don't really want to be playing. Go on Grant Jones you can do it... oh what the hell am I talking about, I hate Grant Jones. Come on you Ockers put us out of our misery.

At least Brian will be pleased as the Barmy Army have finally consolidated themselves together and are now delighting myself, Victor and Blowers with their wonderful theme tune. Oh joy. They've even found a way around the Mexican Wave ban, and have started a Mexican Clap Wave... and I'm not talking about the one started by a Senorita in Cancun.

Wow they've started the same song again. Crazy. How do they think this stuff up... and I thought Twickenham had such an amazing musical repertoire.

17:10 US CST 26 November

Bat for the day or hope for rain ?

In addition to upsetting my 15 year old nutter son by not going for 1,000 runs (not that his was routing for the Aussies! ) , Ricky Ponting appears to have well overplayed his hand at The 'Gabba. A fierce bit of batting by KP, England is now more than ready to drive this one towards a draw. Much work to do yet, but it doesn't seem as crazy an idea as it did just 24 hours ago.

Brisbane, Day 4
16:10 US CST 25 November

Tri Nations Too!

It seems that the Aussies will have thier way on wicket or on ptich. After thrashing the England XI during the day, the green and gold beat the All Blacks for the Tri Nations 16-12. It is a shame that the USofA is rubbish in both sports. If they weren't, we might give the Aussie a good what-for.

T-less than 2 hours until Freddie and the Lads are taken back to the woodshed at The 'Gabba. There is hope, perhaps, the Ponting has overplayed his hand and the next match will see some tired Aussie bowling arms.

Brisbane, Day 3

Schmike the Canadian

A friend of mine, Schmike, told me one of the first thing a Canadian boy learns is how to peel off the helmet of a fellow hockey player and use it to hold him up as you punch him under the chin. No point in hitting his head when his helmet is protecting it but the rules say if the player or helmet hits the ice you can no longer fight.

I took Schmike to his first ever cricket game and explained the declaration. He said: "That is for pussies, what I would do is score 1,500 and when I ran out of hitters, walk up to the other captain (Schmike naturally assumed that he would be captain), poke him in the chest and say: "The sissy rules mean that we will run out of time and you get a draw but you know that you could have five goes at hitting and never get close to my score." I would stare at him until he started to speak then walk away because I don't want to hear Mr Loser talk." I thought about Schmike this morning.

Off to the rugby. Today Tessa is Welsh, I am not.

The Americans Arrive

MFJ moving from the ranks of pithy commenter to the ranks of pithy (and insightful) blogger. It is now T -2 Hours until England begin the dreaded Weekend Assault that will yield at 500 runs. It must be mentioned that my daughter-in-law (the lovely Whitney) has only seen a single afternoon of live cricket and she can already identify Pie Boy. My beloved Kathryn, after the morning debriefing, astutely commented that "Harmy should bowl closer to the stumps". Young Alexander (a strapping lad of 14) summed it all up by saying "If England had 11 Freddies, they would win every match".

The only thing I love more than cricket is the cricket conversation that goes on around my house.

Brisbane, Day 2

The Hornblower Left Huffing And Puffing

Monkey Butlers HQ is reeling from the news that our resident Monkey has been dumped out of the GABBA.

Apparently Billos has been castigated from the ground amidst a swathe of 40 drunk and disorderlies. Bill, poor Bill, stuck with drunk people. How will he cope?!

MBHQ is awaiting sun-up in Briz to get the word on the street from El Cooper himself, but I'm sure the text message will be bluer than Brian's steak preference as The Trumpet vents his sizeable lungs (via his fingers!) at the Gabba authorities.

Who do they think they are? Lords or something? Honestly, the ground is so soul-less we assumed you'd be hankering after some atmosphere. The word on the BA street is that they are so annoyed by Monkey Bill's treatment that there's a boycott being considered - and we aint talking Old Moany either! The full SP can be read here. Let's not pull Mr Burnham up on the "millions of pounds" shall we he seems angry!

It's just not cricket. How dare they. Oh poor monkey Bill, don't cry - we're playing shite anyway!

Brisbane, Day 2

Washing Machine Douses English Hopes

I have to say that I fear I'm to blame for the opening day trouncing and subsquent debacle.

Having popped my England cricket shirt in the wash the night before to get it ready for the big event, I set off for work in a reasonable mood (although still predicting a 3-1 Aussie win).

When I returned I discovered that good old Hotpoint Whirlpool NoMark washing machine had ripped a huge chunk out of said shirt to the extent that I look like I've been bitten on the arse by a shark. In short, the omens weren't good from the get-go.

That said, things are looking up - did you see the way Ponting pathetically cruumbled on 196? Pah! I scoff at your poor technique, Ricky. Fancy walking across the line to straight one - especially when you look like some kind of Ian Hislop/John Culshaw love child.

Also, I notice Billos 'The Trumpeter' Cooperos got booted rather unceremoniously out of the GABBA.

Brisbane, Day 2:

I went to sleep, I woke up, I went to sleep, I woke up, I went to sleep... no matter how many times I did this it was still the same.

Many people believe if you watch the telephone it won't ring. I tried a variation on this last night by listening to the destruction happen, hoping that by listening to it (against my better judgment) the inevitable wouldn't happen.

But it did.

This morning I am just tired and my teeth hurt because my new dentist is a bit heavy handed. It is raining and we are 53 for 3 in reply to their insurmountable 602. I usually love Fridays.

However, it's not all doom and gloom as my dentist (Mr Wong) did advise me that mouth ulcers are caused by "too much virtual fire in the body" (?!) and that warm sugar cane syrup is an old Chinese remedy for it. He did add that sugar cane syrup is difficult to get in temperate climates, but added that "a very cold beer" has similar effects.

I think A LOT of "very cold beer" can cure more than just my mouth ulcers today.

Brisbane, Day 2:

23.4 4 52 9

Tessa went for a training run on the common yesterday and so was too tired to watch. I did, for better or worse. Entertaining cricket for the most part, McGrath was on fire and Ponting will now try to beat Yousuf for number of times out in the 190's this year. The tourists are exactly where they expected to be when they shuffled out to bat. It appears to me they regard teamwork as patting each other on the back regardless rather than first doing their very best. I think Warne sees his mission to take 20 wickets and then score a century and a nurse, a team hug would be pretty far down his list. The only man knighted for cricket while playing it had as his first aim winning a car as man of the series.

Brisbane, Day 1:

Ponting Punishes Pathetic Paceman's Poop

I like that, for a minute there it sounded like a proper headline. Anyway, day 1 is over. Thank god.

That was shocking, admittedly it's a flat pitch and Ricky is a very good batsman with a flea in his ear about last year. But come on lads, let's get it sorted - and quick!

As I suspected it does seem like we've poked a big monster with a stick and now we're suffering the snarly reaction. The Cons have batted really superbly - but have been aided in their attempt by some woeful bowling from our main strike bowler. It's just a good job we've got 2 other pacemen that are ok (and one that is very good) otherwise we'd be in total shite. As I posted early this morning Harmy's first ball was lucky not to brain Freddie at 2nd slip, but worryingly it seems symptomatic of our reaction to the over-hyped, pressure cooker that this series is being played in. Basically we are a very good side, but The Cons have been doing this for years and have a culture of winning under sustained pressure. We need to step up our game and prove we're world class because at the mo we look a bit toothless - Freddie excepted.

The best we can hope for is for us to have a better day tomorrow and bowl them out before they get 550-600 on the board, otherwise we're left chasing 350-400 to avoid the follow on - a scary prospect even before you take into account that Warney likes bowling on this pitch more than any other!

Gulp.

Brisbane, Day 1:

In the Cotswolds a Spaniel Stirs

Well, I watched the first and last hour of play. Number of wickets witnessed live: zero. It started with Harmie sending down the ball of a neighbouring century. Still, it probably does the keeper good to see the bowling from side on. What was the story with Hayden and the dog? Tessa stirred at the mention of that and I think her barking lead to his dismissal after I had gone to sleep. Actually, Tessa being Welsh and a spaniel would have been more on target than most of the England and Wales bowling. Fred showed the figures do not lie and he is almost the equal of Lord Cairns. Pietersen was pretty useful with the ball but I have to wonder if security restrictions prevented the “reverse” swingers from bringing the right type of mints.

Nasser was fully in agreement with the decision of Ponting to bat first; I guess he is capable of learning after all. He makes very little sense as a commentator, he is bitter but not twisted, and you need the supreme spouse-loving confidence of Boycott to carry off the chip on your shoulder act. Holding and Bumble are a great team, it is impossible not to smile every time we get a shot of a giant hooter hooked over a microphone. Holding is all about the cricket in front of him; he is not trying to rewrite history. His stories are so warm and gentle that I forgive him for them being pointless and not very funny.

The army with two songs and one brain were mercifully quiet; I only heard their achingly witty theme tune nine times. They can take heart that England, Wales et al. were rubbish in the first-test last series and only came right after the second greatest fast bowler Australasia has produced was injured. Perhaps a warm-up soccer match is in order. It has to be said: bright yellow is not a good colour for spectators, but the Gabba appeared a most pleasant place to be for the first day of a great sporting occasion.

Brisbane, Day 1:

Here we go... First ball!

Wide from Harmy. Freddie lucky not to get tagged with a shocker - at 2nd slip.

Well that's that then. Series over.

2006 ASHES: WHAT'S THAT COMING OVER THE HILL?... IT'S NOT THE MONTSTER!

Belly is fit. So where is The Montster?... Are the 30 or so extra runs coming from 7 & 8 SO incredibly important as to keep potentially England's finest spinner for two decades out of the side?

We've lost the master keeper (all hail The Mighty Read) and now we've lost our master spinner in favour of a bland and typically backward viewpoint of making sure we don't lose!... Which we probably still will do despite our AMAZING strength in batting depth!

The pitch is bouncy - fine that'll suit Fred and Harmy. The Gabba favours some reverse swing - good that'll suit Hoggy and Jimmy. But once it's gone flat and Gilly and Clarke are piling on the runs is Gilo going to do something different? The answer is typically negative. Like our tactics.

2006 ASHES: LEICESTER (OR IS IT LONDON) MAN CONCERNED AT OWN INDECISION

"I just can't make my mind up" remarked Big Al, "Should I stay up late or get up early?"...

Many cricket enthusiasts around the country are facing a similar quandry this week and the warning signs show it may become a pandemic as the series progresses.

Buoyed with fervour from the 2005 series men (and women) now face the objective decision of whether the cricket is more important than sleep. New recruits to the national game will surely decide the answer is 'no' and rely on the BBC's highlights (via the red button?) but the hardcore fans are busily equating the sleep to "how knackered will I look" ratio, with no thought as to efficiency or whether their boss will notice the post-lunch snooze.

Many have decided to play it by ear, focusing initially on the listening to the first session at The Gabba then assessing from there. From then on it's a lottery dependant on success and batting conditions. The cricket enthusiast with an understanding of crucial points in a test match will have the upper hand in deciding worthwhile time slots - targetting new ball spells with fervour... but should Fletch be bold and go with the Montster then decisions may be thrown into doubt and sleep will definitely be sacrificed...

"At The Gabba let's just hope Freddie wins the toss and we get the chance to bat first... I just hope I don't hear 2 hours of a batting collapse!"

One thing is for certain, jobs may be lost, sleep will be lost - lets hope the Ashes aren't.