A bar in Barbados, He wishes

I know it's not cricket but I love this

talk is real cheap.

Isleworth car park, This year

I know it's not cricket but I love this

Leicester boy and a very nice fella. Chatting to him in the early hours this morning.

A sad day, Maybe

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

You big pie-chugging, fag-smoking, kid and nurse-chasing, nurse and drug-taking, hair growing and ripping, sport-changing, non-century making, smirking all-rounder. Sometimes, shamefully, I wish you had never started playing. I don't want you to stop. Ever.

Don't go.

Sack Fletcher, Today

All we can do is run with the fox

What are you F***cher a friggin' ninja?

"I still have the players' confidence, they still come to me on numerous occasions and still talk to me about tactics," Fletcher said. "I have the respect of the players and that's very important." - Yeah I bet Monty really respects you.

There is blame on all of us," he said. "Everyone has to be blamed. How we performed, how we selected it (The cheeky sod ed.), if they feel they want to blame us in those areas we have to take those responsibilities."

"The decisions aren't easy and to select is very, very difficult," he continued. "From our point of view the people criticising now are the ones who run with the foxes and hunt with the hounds. All we can do is run with the fox. At the end of the day all we can do is make these very difficult decisions."

Oh my god now he's turning into Eric Cantona.

Perth, 3-0

Rot, Rot, and bloddy Rot

That is 1) My comment on the Perth Test. 2) My comment on Ponting looking for a 5-nil whitewash 3) An unbiased an totally scientific summary of the batting of one Great Oaf Jones. A total of 60 odd runs in 6 innings! I dare say that a certainly fuzzy little American bloke could have come near those numbers.

On the bright side, however, the whole family did see Bill (or so we think) on the telly last night.

T minus 102 days until the Monkey Butlers do the WC07

Some Are Born Weak, Some Cheats

What Jones got and bizarrely, what Jones needs.

On the basis of the two "bowlers" who just helped beat the unbeatable, I suggest that recruiting starts at the freak show.

Perth, Day 3 & 4

Thanks Brian For Keeping It Going

Just couldn't bring myself to write anything. The inevitable just seemed to be happening every time I woke up.

Apparently there were some good bits, but I just seemed to miss them all weekend. God it hurt.

Sayonara Little Ern - see you again one day!

I Want Someone's Head For This

"As soon as the selectors are out of the way... we've got Jones again" - Grumpy.

That's an incendiary comment Geoffrey. True though.

The whole sorry debacle is just mis-management and a big cock up.

1). Going home after the Champion's Trophy, because they wanted to see their families apparently. 2 weeks away. Jokers.
2). Not enough practise games.
3). No Montster.
4). A twat with a big pair of gloves.
5). Sajid who?
6). Freddie unfit.
7). Harmie's inability to hit the cut part.
8). Under-bowling Hoggy.
9). No Michael Vaughan.

... 10). SACK FLETCHER. SACK HIM NOW. Who gives a f**k if we don't win another test in this series. We've lost the Ashes and someone needs to be shot.

Perth, Day 5

Lil' Ern

He looks like he needs some sun

Perth, Day 4

The Wisdom of Jabba the Coach

A wise and forward thinking slug will have stuck to selecting his favourite wicket-keeper batsman through thick and thin just for these times.

A slow and gritty day so far. I kept waking up and thinking that no time had passed which was great news for the batsmen.

Perth, Day 3

The Lameness, It Burns

When will this become cruel? They have already made the Rainbow-when-it-suits-them nation cry. What is next?

Has that Gilchrist shot come down yet? Did they send Fred to ask for the ball back from the grumpy neighbours? Well, people in Antarctica are not that grumpy really.

I want Australia to bring back Jason Gillespie because I really hate him and that makes things spicier.

Anyway, according to this the Barmy Army destroyed the Aussies by telling them to sing in tune. Boy, that is a stinger. Better book a parade and MBEs all round just to show the Poms are not arrogant gloaters and the other guys are.

Perth, Day 2

C'mon Ronnie

"Today I got so annoyed with myself that I lost my patience and walked away from a game that, with hindsight, I should have continued."

"I'm also really sorry to let down the fans who came to see me play - it wasn't my intention to disappoint them and for that I am truly apologetic."

"At this moment I am feeling disappointed with myself and I am hurt and numb."

Perth, Day 2

Little Donkey?

Ahhh. Just got it. It's a Ricky Ponting jibe.

Perth, Day 2

Looking Good For The World Cup

Hey, look on the bright side, we're pretty good at the one-day game now.

The facts are there: Consistent in limited overs. Really good at making 50 runs quickly. KP cutting loose with greater affect. Freddie good for 10 overs.

Yeah, I think with our new, reduced, concentration span we should make a good fist of the World Cup.

Come on England. I always thought this version of the game is just good practice for the shorter version.

Roll on next year.

This just in! The perfect name for our new pub!

As I sit here at Logan reading the Cricinfo scorecard and reveling in not only England's performance, but also my own cricket genius about Monty, I'm having a chat with our HR Goddess, Eileen. While telling the initial Monkey Butlers creation story, I hit on another marketing gem. When my friend to the North and I open our fantastic new pub, we will call it "Frank & the Yank". First drinks for Monkey Butlers are on the house.

Oh, and about the cricket. What an opening attack. Monty on! Harmie on! Hoggie takes a big one. If Collingwood has a knock like he did in test #2, this will be a fascinating turn.

Well bowled Monty but that was my eye

Cricket is such a fine sport, Monty is unable to control his limbs enough to complete a high-five but he can get a five-for. I love that.

Big Al is not quite correct, the real Eng-a-land and co turned up at the Oval in 1999. I was there so I know. They have tried at various times to turn their back on their real selves - it works sometimes.


This could be a real match. Harmie looks less like he is going to cry.

Perth, Day 1

1-0 to the Montster

Ha ha. Eff off Jolson and take your big bottom hand with you.

What an embarassment being caught by Grant "Sheller" Jones. He tried to drop it though didn't he.

Hold on... Gilly is out too. The Montster strikes again!!! Come on you little beauty.

Some turn and bounce too. F***cher is such a nobber.

Perth, Day 1

See What Happens When You Listen

Well I woke with trepidation at 4.18am - naturally I might add - so I can be forgiven for waking up in the middle of the lunch break. After a further doze it transpired that my trepidation was ill founded and the real England have turned up.

Harmison is finding bounce and some pace. He is also finding the cut part of the wicket. Which is always a good start.

Seems like F***cher has listened and picked the Montster, although I'm still not sure if 'Lighten' Mahmood posesses enough to do just that against the big time players.

I still can't get over how much Andrew Simmons (I shall insist on calling him that as the chap is blatantly a Brummie) looks like the product of a copulation between Al Jolson and the Predator.

He is in now and grumpy doesn't like him. Oh no, he's just smacked Monty for 6, Grumpy likes him less now. Hmm, he's done it again. Ooh and a 4. Now Grumpy is moaning at Freddie for not anticipating Simmons slogging Montster.

CMJ wants Monty off, I don't like CMJ. Victor's on now (if Vic was a perfume he'd be Lavender or something by Avon) and so is Mahmood (bearer of the largest lips since Mick Jagger passed away - what? he's not? oh I thought he was).

Right. It's 10 to 6 and Bill has asked me to find out when Bumble is on Sky so I can tell him, so he can play a tune for him.

How am I supposed to do that without Sky? Hmm.... hold on I have a plan.

Perth, Day 1

Almost live posting from Arlington MA

Despite the fact that I am leaving for a the airport in less than 8 hours, and I'm not done working, and I'm not packed, I am watching the scorecard of the Ashes. Therefore, I am compelled to the be the first to post that Hoggie took Hayden!

Could this be third time is the charm?

Another place, another time

Sri Lanka Will Never Accept Another Run from an Overthrow

Even if the ball is not dead they will refuse them.

I am surprised that Muralitharan hasn't claimed to have a congenital defect that means he can't stay in the crease.

Adelaide, Where they knew they would be

It is Well Past Time for a New Song

Mighty Mighty Wombles.

Adelaide, Aftermath

How to snatch defeat from the jaws of a draw?

I went out for a lunchtime walk today and I bumped into Karl Pilkington. Even with snow on the ground in Toronto and on his round head I still recognised him. What a bit of luck to actually meet one of the world's great thinkers?

I asked Karl what he thought about the England cricket team and "How to snatch defeat from the jaws of a draw?" Karl said we shouldn't worry 'cause we will beat Australia again and they don't have sharks on land - even in Australia. He also told me he had written a poem about the cricket:

Pointing is a scrontin'
eventually he'll be found wantin'
when the mighty "E team"
are in Perth next week.
Another loss, so what?
We still have the Ashes and Ponting does not.

Let's rally boys and show Ponting
what we've got
a lot
and he has not
'cause he's a scrontin'
and he'll be found wantin'

Adelaide, Aftermath

There you go

What an amazing cricket test! In the last hour of it we also found out that cricketers are allowed to use drugs. England and friends will need them.

I got up early and fed Tessa. She was still sleepy and sniffing about for more "James Wellbeloved" she tripped and fell backwards ending up with her arse in her water bowl. She sprang up, pretended nothing had happened and wagged her tail flicking water everywhere.

Hat-tricks are great to watch - celebrations of annoying local-loathing prats are not. However, they do belong in the same book.

Adelaide, Autopsy

Like watching a car crash

You just knew it didn't you. You just did.

Bill sends a message of "I don't want to think about cricket anymore for a while" and even Kevin Spacey (yes 'The') looked very grumpy this morning. It was definitely due to the cricket, or maybe it was because his 'doggy' was getting wet.

God, It's just not right is it, 680 runs and we still lose. Fletcher has to be criticised for not including the Montster, we needed someone to take wickets on this track and were found wanting. As for Grant Jones - well an average of 16 for the series speaks for itself.

Freddie needs criticising - yes I did say that - as he needs to assert himself and not be such an effin nice Labrador man. It's alright getting on with the team, but come on Fred you need to give them a boot up the jacksie.

The short and tall of it though was down to one man. Fair play Warne-y (you bald, love rat, druggie cheat tommy tanker!) you did very well.

But hey lads, let's not mope. Christmas is coming and we can still win 2 out of 3. Ahem.

Adelaide, Day 5

Hog-tied

See what I did there!? I like that, a bit of witty wordplay early in the morning at the start of a long week.

The Hoggster has struck again, and like the Spanish Inquisition no-one expected him. Brian has been guilty of it preferring the paper, and now the Aussies are the same. Never underestimate the Hog King.

What I like is that the Hoggster refrained from holding up the ball like McGarrrr, which I think is a stupid gesture... mainly because it's an Aussie thing. But Hoggster will just plod on and keep doing what he does best. I love the Hoggster - and no it's not just because he tongued my ear.

As I write this, in the cold of my lounge, I'm being regaled of stories of hot winds. There is hot wind here but it whiffs slightly of Sunday roast.

Oh, Strauss is out. Geoffrey is losing it on 'Lingering Death'. Poor decision, oh what am I talking about I'm WATCHING the radio. Apparently it's a poor decision! Grumpy is very grumpy. Cricinfo says it was inches away and the hotspot has picked up movement in Iraq. Cheating Aussie barstewards.

Oh, Bell is out. What are they doing? I can only imagine as I currently have a graphic of the 2nd innings wagon wheel. Big mix-up between The Ginger Prince and Wee Little Belly. Disaster apparently.

Oh, f**k Pietersen is out. What the hell is going on?

Oh, sugar. Now we're in a bit of bother. Grrrrrr, why did I know this was going to happen...

To be continued tomorrow a.m... after we have a): Drawn the match or b): Lost the Ashes... God I hope it's not the latter, but that 8-1 bet I saw today and decided it was un-patriotic to go for, did look SO tempting. There was always a potential for a serious cock-up, I should have gone for it.

Come on Fred and Colly. Where are you England? Let's be 'avin you!

Adelaide, Day 4

One For the Big Guy

Big Al is oddly quiet so I will help him along. Eng-a-land are so cool that we sometimes compete on our own. Wahoo, we give each other hugs and have history like Harry. We win things like the America's cup, well we could have if we had wanted to, we just wanted to get the record for being the biggest losers ever. Our fans sing.

Adelaide, Day 3

A Double for the Gingers

The big guy is off celebrating the accidents of birth, geography and self-interest that somehow allow him to claim a part in the efforts from up south. Mr Collingwood looks very much like a friend of mine, Dick. Dick once drank ten pints during a day of cricket... watching. That is a double deca half-pint. Congratulations to the gingers on their success. Tessa being a Blenheim says: Wo.."

I woke to hear talk about the man who has a tattoo of the thee lions logo (tm) of his current sponsor and a score of 158. He has finally beaten that, he is an amazing batsman for hire, I thought. No, he still has a monkey on his back but it is a monkey the rest of us can only dream of.

Nineteen further Australian wickets needed - Can Fred count that high? He may be forced to (or maybe not).

Adelaide, Day 2

Glenn who?

KP is tearing him a new asshole. 12 off Lance Corporal Jones' first over!

Adelaide, Day 2

P Diddy Collingwood

Go on the Pee Dee! I must admit I was a bit nervy for the King of the Ginges - but the... Oh and look now the Ockers are so desperate they're resorting to cheating. Old Bucky isn't moving his lingering death for even the Mighty White boy. Hold on, it's hit the top of off stump! Get in!

... where was I... Yes the mighty Ginge. Well he's still there and he's in for a tonne fifty if you ask me! There's a load of superheroes in the BA, Glenn McGarrrr is a bit squiffy and NASA has just said bouncebackability.

Does it get any better? Go on boys.

The Beeb go batty!

I'm concerned about the BBC... The reason, I think they're getting a little TOO politically correct.

You can forgive some funny names, but surely the mother and father of Ben Dirs must have been "'avin a laff" when they named the poor sod.

Perhaps though there's a recurring theme appearing in the Beeb's cricket coverage... A glance at last night's highlights reveals nothing out of the ordinary UNTIL the Australian summariser does his little camp intros.

It needs to be heard to be believed. There was me thinking Priscilla was the only Queen of Australia (well apart from the one they voted for).

Adelaide, Day 1

Crackly CMJ Nightmares

Day 1 continued... Well I've had my nap. Actually it was more of a full sleep, but I did listen to the extremely pleasant events of last night.

Well extremely pleasant cricket-wise, but not in my dreams which were punctuated by the awful nightmare of not only a): having CMJ for a Dad, but b): that his speech was hampered by interference. It was horrible.

One thing that isn't horrible is the mighty P D COLLINGWOOD - saviour of the Ashes!
I can't fault The Ginger Stalwart (well despite that follic reference!). He's stoic, a grinder and a great fielder... reminds me of me. Ahem. In the words of another orange magician it'll be greeeeaaaat! when/if he gets his ton tonight. I'll be well chuffed for him.

If we can bat until tea tomorrow and put 450-470 on the board and give them a tricky 20 overs session to face a towards the end of the day it'll be a glorious start to the match... and if Clockwork McGrath's heel gets worse over night then that'll be even better!

The one downside is I reckon we'll miss The Montster as we may struggle to get 20 wickets on this pitch, especially if Harmy is aiming at Freddie. Perhaps we need to move Fred to 2nd Leg Slip and confuse him into bowling straight!

Let's see what happens. Great start though. Well done Colly, KP and Belly!

Adelaide, Day 1

I snooze, Poms don't completely lose.

Went to sleep thinking: Beefy really looks silly in short sleeve shirts - well everyone does; the walk back in from the middle in Adelaide looks very pleasant and lots of batsmen will enjoy it; and Camilla is a short and worn looking woman. I wake up and only two of those things are completely true. Great stuff, we really could have a match on our hands.

Adelaide, Day 1

98mph h'officer I was only doing 70

Well we've won the toss, decided to bat and Lee's first two deliveries were very wide (and incorrectly speedgunned at 98mph, undoubtedly with the same gun they issue the UK police with on the M1).

Also 'Advance Australia (some money because they want some candy floss at the) Fair' was cocked up by some idiot who couldn't sing very well to himself singing on the backing track.

Ali Cook is still wearing his eyeliner and Levi Strauss has told everyone he is not a hooker. Or at least if he feels the need to do a bit of hooking then he'd roll his wrists and do his best to keep it down............ oh he's just got out. Well clearly it went to his head. What a puller. Sorry hooker.

I was optimistic again there for a minute and now I'm knackered again and may just go to bed. Yeah cheers Johan. Rent boy.

To be continued - after I've had a nap. Come on Belly. Oh and Bill's trumpet has been banned AGAIN. Bloody ridiculous.