Sydney, The End... Thank God

"It's finished, at last"*

I thought it would never end. I reckon all the English supporters should sue the ECB for not supplying the goods they paid for.

Thank god we chose to go to the World Cup lads. Hey, look on the bright side, if we (somehow manage to get our sh*t together) and win that, all this will be forgotten!

* Bill via text.

The Chairman of the Board weighs in

About an hour ago, the Chairman of the Board of our firm stopped by to give me the 2007 tourist book for Antigua and Barbuda. He was there for the holidays and he remember I'm be going down for the cricket. As I told a certain adopted Canuck, nothing like a little cricket to make the work day palatable.

T minus 85

Blackberry shows England team where their scores belong

Having spent about US$99 to watch the Ashes I've been pretty determined to get every dollar out of my investment. Especially as my $25 bet on England to win the series doesn't seem like it will come to much now. I've given up on the $25 I put on England to win the Brisbane Test too!

Although my wife didn't give me a Wisden cricket calendar for Christmas, she seems accepting of the fact that this could be last cricket I watch until the World Cup in Antigua or ever again?

So here is how I have spent the Fifth Test so far:

Day One - watched most of the match until about 2.15am. Fell asleep on the couch with Freddie at the wicket. Felt okay as England had not lost the game YET!

Day Two - Felt just like we were back in the West Indies with Freddie until England started to bowl again. Luckily Ponting and others decided they would commit Hari Hedgehog against bowling that would have hit Misery Guts Mum's stick of rhubarb right in the middle every time. Went to bed early, couldn't face the possibility of another massacre. Luckily woke up to find there is still some ( synonym for a smidgeon of ) hope left.

Day Three - Went to bed even earlier than last night. Woke up this morning with my Blackberry stuck to my bum! With England having given up the ridiculous 102 lead I couldn't face watching Cook and Strauss trying to do Rooney impressions with Lee's bouncers. Luckily I can still be a whinging pom with Dar's decision to give the Pie Boy not out. Nice job Billy to give the ice hockey "even it up" penalty on Gilchrist. Better for Warney to make 71 than Gilchrist get 500. Decided I could maybe lay in bed and reach over to my night stand and get a score flash every little while on the Blackberry. Sadly the little while only lasted until 29-1. Then my Blackberry decided in the middle of the night it would show me where the England cricket scores truly belong.

Note to England coach and Freddie - did you see how well Ready kept wicket again. Never mind needing a wicketkeeper who can bad at number seven piffle. Get six blokes who can bat 1-6, give Read a central contract, and get 3 fast bowlers who can put the ball in the right place to help Monty.

Day Four - Botham hits 149, Dilley sticks around for a while and then Bob Willis knocks over the Aussies while I sit listening to the Moody Blues playing Days of Future Past.

Okay I suppose while there is KP there is still hope if he can get the lead up to 500 ?!

Just think of the excitement - Australia need two to win, one wicket in hand, Monty steps up, Warne sweeps, the ball takes a top edge, Read dives down the leg side flips the ball high in the air and Colly catches it in his teeth at first slip. How would that be for sledging from a club cricketer Warney!

Sydney, 5-0 minus 1 day

Abolish central contracts

I'm effin angry now. How can someone stand there and tell me they're doing their best when they are supposed to be a professional cricketer - but can't sustain a spell beyond 3 balls in the correct place.

There's a few characters on this team that are fast becoming complacent w***ers. Unfortunately Harmison is one of them, and I'm concerned that a few are going the same way.

Therefore, I reckon we should take the step of abolishing central contracts... It's rash but it'll make them fight for their f***in places.

Yeah there will be favoured players with Test experience, no doubt, but players like Stuart Broad or John Lewis could bowl significantly better than some half-crocked twat with an attitude. Likewise other middle order players.

The system is keeping some people wrapped up in a comfort blanket, giving them all they need, paying for them (and their families) and everything they need... and what does England get in reply?

1 ball an over in the right area or 5 runs from 12 balls... then a multitude of excuses and an attitude.

You're priveleged enough to be picked for your country. Do your fcuking job.

Does it really matter where?, A day (2,3 or 4 days before defeat)

My Dad's got Sky - But it was underused this Christmas

I have been looking forward to a big Christmas cricket fest for most of this year. We don't have Sky at home (I'm not allowed to as it will, and I quote, "make me even more useless around the house" - probably true actually!) and so with fervour I was anticipating late nights in front of the telly. However I only managed three... hours... then fell asleep.

The plus point of this spell, however - and this is a good one - was that whilst watching the cricket with the family, following a successful Boxing Day visit to the Casino in Leicester, we sat watching the 2nd day at the MCG and were treated to live TV coverage of 'the' Jimmy song. Bill, as per usual, was sat next to Jimmy and I sent him a text requesting 'You are my sunshine' (I actually meant to request 'When you're smiling' but beer, £220 and 2 expensive Ports with my Uncle made me mis-type), anyway the text was sent and as enthusiasm for Jimmy's song died away (capitulating like our series) and via the power of TV I witnessed Bill reach into his pocket, withdraw his phone, read the message, smirk... Then tootle out 'You are my Sunshine'!

Maybe it's because I'm young enough to still think that TV is something to get on rather than watch. Maybe it's because I'm so jaded with this series that the smallest glimmer of positive involvement from thousands of miles away may help to alleviate the chagrin of many fans - or maybe it was because I was drunk... But it genuinely did make my Boxing Day, and that's saying something because I'd just won £220 on roulette (in £50 notes!) got drunk with my family and was eating crackers replete with 'Leicestershire's Own' Stilton.

Other than that pin-prick of joy. The rest of this series should be forgotten forever.