The usual suspects

First of all, well played Oh Canada, they did very well and can be proud of their performance.

Helen has used her Welsh powers to help with the MURDER investigation. She says: "I think that Botham was involved, I have never trusted him" and "What about Pietersen, he is South African after all." As Helen used to work as an anti-discrimination lawyer I think we need to take her suspicions based on nation of birth very seriously indeed.

The Bob

Watching the highlights last night it was pleasing to hear that the Cheetahs refer to Mr Bob Woolmer in a different manner to the rest of the world as it shows they cared and probably didn't murder him themselves. But - (now I'm not one for splitting (Daryl) Hairs, I'll leave that to them) - clearly no-one alerted them to the fact their nickname could have faecal connotations.

People could construe it as being kind and accommodating, referring to your coach as "The Bob" (aka The Sh*t - for those hard of thinking!) on TV. But I suspect a cover-up, a cover-up for a jihad on overweight pre-pensioned cricketing personalities. Hair started it, he'll be next to suffer, then Fletcher... The deluge will continue until just one overweight pre-pensioned cricketer will remain... Then those crocodile tears will become tears of vengeance!

Kiwis can fly?

I apologise for not being able to arrange a visit to the Antigua Brewery yet after 24 hours of trying.

Brian, maybe you could arrange for a drinking session or a boat ride with Mr New instead? http://www.thestar.com/article/194841

Was the Kenya team just too small?

Other things that have been destoryed....

From Local 8 News in Idaho:

http://www.localnews8.com/story.cfm?nav=news&storyID=1587

And even from Hildebran News...

http://www.hildebrannews.com/h/news/feb7/228.html

And even marriage...

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg011405193483.html?12

A former semi-finalist destoryed...

and now the fate of Eng-a-land and chums is in their own hands, much as the pedalo was.

As the Unbeatable Black Caps have won a world tournament and the Tighty Whiteys have not, I do offer this: points mean prizes and two are already beige.

Doing it by hand...

If the Widget thingie actually worked we would get videos like this.


Anyway Frank from what I have seen monkeys can celebrate March the 14th even if they are alone.

Update from Canada by your intrepid Dominican reporter

So I'm now back in the land of the Snow Bails, it's time to reflect on the
events of the past week....

Cervezas, food, cervezas, food, pina coladas, food, coco locos, food and
cervezas.

Now on to this week...

Just turned on the Internet to see Dwayne Leverock take what will be the
catch of the tournament at first and second slip. Even if Nixon of Dock
Green gets injured, replaced by GO Jones who catches the final ball of the
Final to beat Australia by two runs off the bowling of Billy Bowden.

I bet Alex hopes Bermuda doesn't make it through to the Super 8 or he could
end up as a snack for big Dwayne in Antigua!

Why no mention of this event?
http://www.steakandablowjobday.com/
Was everyone too busy watching Australia v Scotland that day?

Brian, I will make sure I can display fashion tips when the Monkey Butlers
reassemble.

You guys ready for this...

after Ireland beating Pakistan and Bangladesh beating both 2007 World Cup finalists we now have England and Wales with South African spice are doing ok against the Snow Bails (TM Frank)! No, I am not (very) drunk. What a tournament!

I am back from training for Antigua. I was in Cornwall where I drank, watched cricket and went to the beach. I did learn one thing and I suggest the traveling Monkey Butlers listen carefully. Dress warmly guys! On the beach I had on long-johns, a jumper, two jackets, a hat and gloves and was cold! The Guinness helped but I needed Jameson's and lots of it. Any fashion tips Frank?

Anyway, the smug and condescending wankers lost on Friday and then Fick Fred the golden boy was punished for doing the thing he does best. Good work fellas.

What does matter?

Two pints at lunch time on a Friday

It's okay

As Alex has so eloquently pointed out the two points just don't matter. I have just rushed back from the beach in the hope that the Black Sheep would be making a game of it, but I suppose they have just not figured out England's better strategy.

 

Clearly the superior team, England, have worked out it is important to not peak too early in a big tournament.  You only have to look at how we came through to dominate the Commonwealth Bank trophy.

 

All that matters until the semifinal is getting to the semifinal and all that means is finishing in the top four of the Super 8.  This game just doesn't matter unless you happen to be from under downunder. 

 

Also in our latest World Cup Football triumph in 1966, we didn't win the first game either. So there!!!!

Will these 2 points we get today matter?

England will undoubtedly win this match - if only because they know that a Kiwi-exile in Glorcestersher will be unbearable - but in the event of this indisputable victory (that will happen) I have to ask... Does it actually matter?

Right, I know that's silly, but by my reckoning surely it has no bearing on the cup as a whole? Assuming that New Zealand don't replicate their mess-up against a minnow and England continue to be the best team in the world (ok, you'll have to forgive me, but I've had 2 pints at lunch) we're both going through and us Monkeys are going to see England v Sri Lanka and India v NZ... that's a given.

Maybe I'm being stupid or blinded by alcohol. But can someone please tell me what benefit our inevitable win will have? WHEN we win we will have an extra 2 points in the Super 8 - but what bearing does that actually have? There's 6 games each in the Super 8 for god sake - twice the games as the group stages. I'm concerned this is becoming a bit of an old Champion's League format where the original group stages didn't actually matter unless you get knocked out. But realistically who is going to get knocked out - except for New Zealand? (couldn't resist that!)

Am I missing something?... hold on... it's another one of those tax things, but in a different way.

Beigedream believer

Good start for the holders of the most important trophy in the cricket world. The one that is so good they gave it two names. I guess the barmy army has got lost - the most annoying and repetitive group of morons in the world are probably chanting and following a retard in a St George cross on a crusade to Iraq.


Oh and the extras thing - they just really like bowling and don't think the other guys will bat out the fifty.

Off to Cornwall.

The countdown begins...

Only an hour to go before the real World Cup begins, assuming it is not raining as hard in St Lucia as it is here in the Dominican.

 

The rain means that I am fully justified in getting to the bar at 8.30am today.  Did I mention the bar is the only place where I can get on the Internet easily?!

 

Little of note to report today, probably because I am so focused on the excitement of the big match. Up at 6am. I just hope I can get on to TMS as www.willow.tv is still not coming through here.

 

Oh yes, one comment of note - we had "snail bread" back on the breakfast menu.  Seems like they will do anything here to keep the French happy.

 

Come on Vaughny, come on the boys.  Let's remind those blokes from "under downunder" who are the reigning Commonwealth Bank champions.

The Zimbabwean captain is nine years old...

...he is the child of my first marriage. What an exciting game, great to see a team from the "British Isles" get their only point this week.

Oh and CricInfo: "Irish ties are smiling after thriller" great entry for worst headline of the tournament but I hope to beat you.

Anyway, just days to go until we all will be received...

Come on Ireland...

4 to win off 3 balls for Zimbabwe... Why has he got a spinner on?...

Is Harmie the Bermuda bowling coach?

2nd over: | 5^nb 2^nb 1 1^nb . 1^wd 4 1 1^wd 1 5^nb 1^nb 1^nb . |

Only a day to go

What with Ireland against Zimbabwe and Santo Patrick's Day coming up this weekend it would be easy to overlook the building excitement of how the Mighty, Mighty England will destroy the always beatable Black Sheep tomorrow in St Lucia. A loud shout of 'mint sauce' from the Barmy Army should be enough to send them packing before lunch.

 

But first an update from the Dominican......

 

Yesterday was quite eventful here.  The transformer outside our appartment exploded and luckily the little chap who was sitting inside the transformer building (hut) at the time seemed to escape with nothing more than a sore arm.

 

Mrs. C. was accused of stealing another person's deckchair.  Fortunately I have taken her aside to review a key phrase of the Queen's English so she will be adequately prepared should it happen again.  I can hear it now floating across the beach in a strong Ohio accent, "What don't you bog off you nasty little French git."

 

The evening entertainment consisted of a competition to find the person who could limbo dance and best speak Honolulu.  This was easily won by some bloke from Chile.  This seemed very unfair as I have already reported that almost all the people here are from Canada or Quebec.

 

If I could find a puck I would certainly burn it and send the Ashes back to Toronto after the unfortunate defeat to Kenya yesterday. I fear tougher times are ahead for the Mighty Snow Bails!

 

Looking forward to watching 15 seconds of Dwayne Leverock today.  Most go as the bar is open in 13 minutes.......

Maintain erections for longer periods

Do you ejaculate before or within a few minutes of watching a game?

Then you must order Extra-Time Now!

Extra-Time is the only male sexual performance formula that, not only stops premature ejaculation, but actually "cures" it.

You'll last 5 to 10 hours longer. In fact you will be able to go until well after the tea break, the very first game..... GUARANTEED!

Please do not offer my god a peanut!

"Considering the depth of the analysis, we can safely claim that this has never been attempted before."


No kidding.

Ha Ha

The evil Aussies got fewer runs against Scotland than they did against the Unbeatable Black Caps. How embarrassing... for Australia I mean. The Beigedream Believers knew they could chase down any total and letting the other guys score so many was part of their brilliant strategy.

Update from the Dominican - Part Two

This is your intrepid World Cup reporter, Bigger Than Al, checking in from the Dominican Republic.

 

Once again sitting in the lounge of the Bahia Principe Bavarro waiting for the bar to open at 10 am in 6 minutes.  The high speed internet connection seems to be marginally better than yesterday and I am able to watch the Australia v Snotland game in 15 second snippets.

 

My Google search page has now brilliantly reconfigured itself to Spanish and every time I type www.google.ca, I get www.google.com.pr.  If I was in Puerto Rico that would seem logical, but since I'm in the DR and speak about as much Spanish as Snotland will get wickets today - I don't find that particularly helpful

 

Not so many Dominicans are crowding around my laptop today.  Yesterday there was one. Also yesterday one of the waiters stopped by while I was watching a 14 second snippet of the WI v Cheetahs match. He asked what I was watching and I told him it was baseball for people with brains. He then walked off to open up his Sammy Sosa shop to the Barry Bonds family who were arriving for a surprise visit.

 

I am getting worried about my options for the big game on Friday.  The high speed internet here is clearly not and the proxy server at the University of Newcastle doesn't seem to allow me to listen to TMS.  So that leaves the bloody beach, the bloody pool and bloody drinks that are even weaker than the 150 Rum & Cokes that one Monkey Butler consumed on the Sunday of the Barbados Test three years ago. Otherwise the trip is a lot of fun.  Now a bloomin' Tour Group has sat down at the table next to me, again they all appear to be from Quebec with the tour guide speaking French in a weird Spanish accent.

 

Everyone here seems to be from Canada except for the Quebeckers and the Americans. And nobody seems to care a toss about what the ICC has done to the USA or that Canada are 40-1 after 10.3 overs.

 

Anyway enough from me as I am just about ready to watch another 15 second clip of Big Toe and Big Ears making Snotland feel like they are back in the 1978 FIFA World Cup Finals.

 

Only 16 days to go until the Monkey Butler reunion and despite everything that is going on here, I am getting very excited.

That should sort them

It was good to see the Cheetahs lose. Their actions have denied the Unbeatable Black Caps two previous World Cups and the Windies winning by adopting the Beige strategy of doing it all for the good of the team made for a good night.

Oh bum, looks like that's one unlikely bet...

Pakistan weren't very good last night were they? Inzamam 'boom-by-yay' clearly thought it was a test and plodded around like Dwayne Leverock. Poor old Shoaib Malik took on so many partners it was almost a love-in (or should we compare it to film roles and the profilic acting career of his namesake Art... Nah the US-lads wouldn't get it).

Yet, my money is not lost, as Pakistan were rubbish in 1992 and still won the cup. The Windies have a head of steam now and they could be the team to beat - especially with the amount of support they're getting. In comparison, I don't blame Inzy for thinking it was a test, anytime anything remotely applaudable and Pakistan-based happened, the silence was deafening (as only silences are allowed to be)... Anyone would think the Pakistani supporters needed a visa to get in the country or something?

I can't stand it... get me to Antigua now!

Sitting on the train back to Richmond now. Sitting being a luxury, well sort of as it's next to a fidgety girl and a bloke who's clearly been playing football (not soccer or even Soca, which is clearly a style of music). The abject melancholy pervades my being and is exacerbated by the humdrum rigmarole of the relentless loop (or maybe it's that dictionary I've swallowed). Melancholy brought on of course by the clear excitement of the showpiece of our favourite sport.

They always say the last 10% is the hardest part and by my reckoning we're well into that now with regards to the wait we've endured since Barbados.

Frankly Frank's beach blogging is furthering my angst, my chagrin deosn't extend to deny Mr Coster his break however, but all this enjoyment and sixes and talk of sunshine is torture. It's almost tangible nasally - or is that the footballer's b.o.

Roll on March 28th... Quickly, before I 'happy slap' a fellow passenger!

Widget or wasit?

Do you have some bloke typing in scores in a sweat shop in Leicester for that widget score thing?  The widget should really be named a wasit!

Not all Sunny in the Windies

Whacked like Hookes? Nice Mr Gavaskar, real nice.

"He drew a comparison between the Australians and the West Indies side of the 1970s and '80s, adding that the players from the Caribbean were more popular champions.

"The West Indians were popular winners, there was an affection about the West Indians players in spite of the fact that they were beating you in three days. They [West Indies] did not abuse the opponents. They did not have anything to say to the opponents. When they were dominating world cricket the West Indians did not resort to personal abuse on the field, they just played the game hard, they were very tough competitors but there was nothing untoward in their behaviour towards their opponents."

I guess he is referring to a different 1970s and 1980s West Indian team to these wankers:

"1979-80 (New Zealand)

New Zealand's first victory in a Test rubber at home should have been a happy occasion, but the New Zealand cricket public, which had looked forward keenly to the West Indians' visit, was glad to see the back of them. New Zealand won the first Test by the narrowest of margins, and drew the remaining two. Yet the West Indians lost more than a Test series. Their reputation for sportsmanship went too. There were several extremely unsavoury incidents on the field in the first two Tests, and the situation was not improved by the extravagant statements made by their harassed manager, Willie Rodriguez. In fairness, the umpiring was poor, but that did not excuse the on-field antics of the tourists. In the first Test, Michael Holding, having had an appeal disallowed, kicked the stumps out of the ground. When West Indies lost the match, Gordon Greenidge showed similar ill-temper as he left the field. At Christchurch in the second Test, Colin Croft, after being no balled, flicked off the bails as he walked back, and a little later ran in very close to the umpire, FR Goodall - so close that the batsman could not see him - and shouldered Goodall heavily. It was the height of discourtesy when Goodall, wishing on two occasions to speak to Clive Lloyd about Croft's behaviour, had to walk all the way to the West Indian captain, standing deep in the slips. Lloyd took not a step to meet him.
Tests: Zealand 1 West Indies 0 Drawn 2
ODI: New Zealand 1 West Indies 0"

Testing, testing

I'm here in the Dominican Republic for the week for some reason. I am trying to find the tallest building in Punta Cana to look out to Antigua so I can see whether the stadium is finished.

Why am I on an island in the Caribbean that doesn't play cricket during the World Cup?

At least I have a sort of broadband feed of the World Cup; although the DR seems to have about as much bandwidth as my house. My latest attempt to get the broadband working has the picture upside down and back to front. Still that makes Billy Bowden look good! Una otra cerveza and all should be good.

It begins!

I hope that Adsy was betting with his own money at the races.

Hmmm that video widget is a bit rubbish

Maybe I should look for one that isn't pulling videos from 4 years ago. It'll be black and white next.

£2 on BC...

Brian Charles came in at 20-1... but the money I really want to win is my Mahendra Singh Dhoni bet at 80s.

Brian for you there's Jacob Oram at 66s, and Fred at 50s for the patriots!

The list is pretty long and there's some good ones in there for the punter (with a BlueSq account!)

Top run scorer?

Adsy asked me this on Saturday at the races (we were in a betting mood, right up until we started losing races!) and I'm surprised to hear that BC Lara is at twenties? It's a difficult one to guess, but surely him and The Little Wizard in their last world cups have got to be worth a punt? I may pop a couple of quid on him!

Ahhh. Just returned from the bookies, it appears there is no real favourite except Ricky at 6-1... everyone else is a pretty long bet. I do like Dhoni at 80s and Oram at 66s though... and Shahid Afridi at 150-1 might be worth a quid!

3 years of waiting... but now it's on and the Monkeys are ready!

We've heard the reggae, eaten some fire, played cricket on stilts (hmmm, that's an idea) - The World Cup is here and it's the moment The Monkey Butlers have been waiting for since they finished a wheelbarrow of Banks' and fresh caught fish in St.Lawrence Gap.

Bring it on. Let's blog this bad boy!