Perth, Day 1

See What Happens When You Listen

Well I woke with trepidation at 4.18am - naturally I might add - so I can be forgiven for waking up in the middle of the lunch break. After a further doze it transpired that my trepidation was ill founded and the real England have turned up.

Harmison is finding bounce and some pace. He is also finding the cut part of the wicket. Which is always a good start.

Seems like F***cher has listened and picked the Montster, although I'm still not sure if 'Lighten' Mahmood posesses enough to do just that against the big time players.

I still can't get over how much Andrew Simmons (I shall insist on calling him that as the chap is blatantly a Brummie) looks like the product of a copulation between Al Jolson and the Predator.

He is in now and grumpy doesn't like him. Oh no, he's just smacked Monty for 6, Grumpy likes him less now. Hmm, he's done it again. Ooh and a 4. Now Grumpy is moaning at Freddie for not anticipating Simmons slogging Montster.

CMJ wants Monty off, I don't like CMJ. Victor's on now (if Vic was a perfume he'd be Lavender or something by Avon) and so is Mahmood (bearer of the largest lips since Mick Jagger passed away - what? he's not? oh I thought he was).

Right. It's 10 to 6 and Bill has asked me to find out when Bumble is on Sky so I can tell him, so he can play a tune for him.

How am I supposed to do that without Sky? Hmm.... hold on I have a plan.